A few weeks ago, while trying to get in a quick ride with a friend, I hit a dog. Unpredictable dogs are every cyclist’s worst nightmare. Motorists we understand. Dogs, well…what they’re going to do next is anyone’s guess. And if you’ve ridden for more than half an hour, you’ve experienced the unease that accompanies dog encounters.

In my limited riding experience, I’ve been able to categorize dogs into three types that I’ve dealt with:

1. The Junk Yard Dog

The Junk Yard Dog has one purpose in life: biting you. He’s not concerned about your bike or cars or anything but sinking his teeth into your juicy, soft legs. Yelling doesn’t deter them. Spraying them with your water bottle is simply wasting your water. They’re going to bite you if it’s the last thing they do, leash laws be damned. Typically the Junk Yard Dog is going to bolt into the road and begin to run parallel to you.

While the Junk Yard Dog doesn’t always cause accidents, they can get startled by other cyclists in a group and make an unexpected turn into someone who thought they were able to safely pass by the dog.

And speaking of leash laws, there is one thing that I really don’t care to ever hear again while riding:

“Don’t worry! He doesn’t bite.”

Fella, I don’t really care if your dog bites or not. If you can guarantee me that he won’t run under my wheels and send me hurtling to the street then great. Otherwise, get your dog out of the street.

2. The Yapping Lapdog

The Yapping Lap Dog is rare, but a virtual cycling disaster. They come from nowhere, are dumber than a post, and have no real purpose other than to jump into your lap by running under your front wheel. I only briefly saw the Yapping Lap Dog coming at me and I was thinking to myself, “Self, slow down, you can stop.” And then, like the dog was shot from a cannon, he was under my wheel and I was on the ground – broken helmet, road rash and bruised hip and shoulder. I was so mad I could spit nails. The owner saw the whole thing and could have cared less. As if my being physically incapacitated by a dog with the intelligence of a slow gnat was not her problem.

3. The Bumbling Blob

The Bumbling Blob is the most common dog. He’s old, has matted fur, is amiable and doesn’t really even know where he is…but beware. He may appear harmless, but in the blink of an eye, he’s startled by someone’s voice, something seen out of the corner of his eye or a flashback to his puppy days. Before you know it, you’re flying over your handlebars and The Bumbling Blob.

Hopefully these dog profiles will help you safely navigate out streets. If you have another classification you’d like to share, feel free to email me at ej@acmemultisports.com.